Ever Since..

Ever since I've joined this new company, I've been feeling this restless pressure in the back of my mind. You know, the kind of pressure that's telling you-

 "This isn't how you should be spending the rest of your adult life!"

"You'll fall into a rut at this rate."

"Staring at a screen for 15 hours a day will swallow you whole until there's nothing left."

 It's crazy. I love my job so far. Love the people I work with.

But there's always signs that things aren't meant to be this way for long. The people, too complacent. The environment, almost passively content. Always reminding me that there's something significant missing. I'm always feeling that there's so much more to the world than just this.

It essentially started when I was asked to describe myself during my interview for this new workplace. I was struck dumb at that question. I'm not one to shut up easily (as you can evidently see with the length of my posts), but every time I'm asked this, or what's my 5 year plan - I don't have an answer.

The same happened quite recently while I was out on a date, and he asked me "So, who is FreeFaller93? What makes her tick?" I opened my mouth about to spew about what I like working on, and he stopped me before I could begin - "..Apart from work, who are you?"

…

Good question, eh?

I have no frame of reference to talk about myself unless it's about work. Or family. Or depressing things. How sucky is that?

I can't relate to my parents plans for my life.

I don't understand why they stress so much for a little extra money which is coming at the cost of their sanity. It's not even a passion that they're following. It's just to become "successful". Why though? What do they mean by the word "success"?

I don't mean to be rude or ungrateful when they keep talking about how things are hard, or when things get better, and I just tune out. Seriously, it just feels like the same dance, different tune. Don't they see that?

I remember my date saying, "There's nothing like living under your parents' roof to completely shoot down your confidence." I feel it every time I step out of my comfort zone and among new people. Without regular interactions with my friends, my false-sense-of-self has vanished. Now I'm living with my parents' perception of who their child is. I'm always reminded about how I'm the black sheep. And never good enough.

       

I can't relate to most people around me. I feel bored in my own company. I can't stand myself. Social media only makes me feel desperate. I guess I really am desperate. Desperate to not be this person. Okay, I'm going to look it up on the internet. Maybe there's a sure-fire way to be myself, that’s socially acceptable. Maybe love will fix it. Let me just put on my best side for an hour or two for the duration of our date. Maybe he won't notice my ugly side as long as I don't turn the wrong way. Maybe he won't realize until it's too late. Maybe he already has because my silence kept transmitting all of my insecurities loud and clear to the rest of the world. Ugh.

Surrounding myself with influences that just make me feel like a stranger to myself. What do you do when you can't even relate to yourself anymore?

A boss who talks about all the wonders of the world. All those wonders are now stored in a synaptic format somewhere in his brain. Can you imagine? The whole world is so huge that you can't even see its curvature, but travelling allows you to store that magic and wonder of places you've been to for the entire duration of your life. A fraction of that magic and wonder is shared with other people when travelers speak of their journeys and share pictures. I want the whole world in my head too. Can you imagine just how much that would change the way you view the world? Books are one thing - living through one that's so uniquely your own is a league in itself. I WANT that.

Then the questions peek out of their hidey-hole.

"How are you going to travel without enough money? Everything you make goes to your family?"

"Mum's already said a big, fat "NO" to your hypothetical plans because you're weak and sick. She's right. What now?"

"You don't have enough skills to make it out there, just like Mum said. What if you catch some super-contagious disease?"

"Won't you regret not spending enough time with your brother?"

"Won't the company consider me ungrateful for quitting just after a year of working here? What if my boss can't keep his promise of giving me a job after I'm back? What if I don't want to work with this company anymore?"

 

Makes me want to kill my mind really.

All these introspective songs, that question EVERYTHING you do. Forcing you to question everything you see. Forcing you to think. Forcefully shoving into your face, everything that's so pointedly true about the human condition. Forcing you to think that it's okay. That you can do what you want and you should. Your world won't end with your mistakes but with your inaction. You're killing your world and so many wonderful directions your life could take with your fear.

 Choices are hard to make. REALLY hard. Knowing yourself is hard. Facing your fears is hard.

 But as Twenty One Pilots would insist, I will use the following as my mantras.

 

I want to wake my mind up from its sleep.

The fear needs to go.

In defeating my daemons, I will find my meaning.

I will stop being indecisive.

I will not ignore this pressure in the back of my mind.

I will hold onto it until I can't stand it anymore. Until I start living.